ME:
"....nobody tells me what to do!"... I dont say it but I think it; maybe even subconsciously, as I walk to this "talk" we're about to have.
"Why have you been ignoring me?" ....oh father, so frustrating! again with this...
"I have not been ignoring you!", I can't help but feel aggravated.
"I've reached out over and over again, and I get nothing. You know I really don't like it when you dont even acknowledge me, you kow how much I don't like being ignored."
"UGH!..."
Its a no win situation! if I get an attitude then I'm being a bad child, an UNGRATEFUL child...I'm being "disrespectful"....and yet, sometimes I just don't care and I ignore him...i just go on doing what I was planning on doing anyways because.... because I'll just deal with it later. I know deep in side that I should not say it, not probably not even think it, but at the end of the day...I want things MY way. Why is that so bad!?
Why should I not be able to do what I want?
.....look....I get up every morning, I work hard, I come to work and have to put up with so and so with their "details"....with their "ideas"...their "schedules"...
"I need for you to please do it how I want it, I need for you to please move faster, I need for you to do it over again..." I have to smile and look at them and say, "no problem! let me take care of that for you!, no worries! I'm happy to do it over for you! oh you want more of that? what a great idea!".... when I have already made up my mind that your idea is actually a DUMB idea...in fact I'm probably going to rememeber your idea for when my friends and I are talking. So i can make fun of your idea AND of you. Thank you genius!
If I have to put up with this, day in and day out, then I'm sorry, the last thing I want on my life are more limitations!
I need you to understand, its not that I don't love you. I do. You've done so much for me. YES I KNOW, you have sacrificed SO MUCH for me... I don't need anyone reminding me of that! yes yes yes...you have sacrificed! Its not that I don't get it...I do!
I just feel misunderstood! I was handed a hard life...a lonely life...where there were supposed to be a man and a woman doing a job, there was only a man...my family life was incomplete! I cried myself to sleep many many nights... I had to witness what other "normal people" had every single day knowing that was not my life and truthfully, in a way I kind of resented my life.
(don't say it out loud... "he's SACRIFICED SO much. You're gonna hurt his feelings", as I roll my eyes)
Listen, I'm sorry, FINE!... FINE! I'll be more "accountable"....I'll follow you "rules" because I'm sick and tired of the guilt trips all the time....FINE! I'll be the good little child that You want me to be!.
~~~~~~~~~~
Jesus: Rudy, I'm not keeping you... I don't want you to be a rule follower, I want your love. I want your love for me to show you what hurts me and what breaks my heart... Rudy, I don't make rules to squash your fun, I don't make rules because I want to add weight to the parts of my plan that you don't fully understand nor are willing to accept.....Rudy, this is the hardest thing that a father can ever say to His child...if you really want to go...you have free will. I'm here, and while there is daylight I can be found. My love for you will never waine...my love for you will always remain...if you would rather walk alone, I will not stop you...but I'd die for you all over again if that's what it took to win that type of love.
