THE LAST WALL

December 30, 2014,
I went through some blog drafts earlier tonight...this entry was originally written in the spring of 2010...I didn't publish it and my guess would be that it was way too transparent and even vulnerable, I feel that at the time people would have known what it was about and it would not have been good nor flattering to post....in hindsight it seems silly now, though I can't help but be intrigued at the amount of passion that I had for what I was going through....in any case, I'm glad to say I'm not there emotionally any more and I can see it objectively now for what it is..... some pretty creative writing (if I do say so myself)  much love!


May 17, 2010

Walls...they keep us safe...they separate us...they keep the roof over our heads...they hide us...they enable us to reveal...they cut off....they partition, they isolate....they liberate.

For every season of my life there has been a prescience of a wall and it served the purpose of the day...in the wintery and windy nights they kept me separated from the cold...in the hot summer I slept in the shade under the wind of the blades of a fan...and then the storms came and wreaked havoc...and the walls were there again like brick chameleons...each day looking different, each day serving a different purpose...one day they gave me the solitude that my heart and soul longed for as if somehow to need it to lick my wounds and to heal...but in other days my walls were a prison...they kept the world out when I desperately needed the world....anyone....someone.....to reach out to me....

One day I realized at the most inopportune time that the walls that I had created were about to cost me dearly...for I found myself entertaining reinforcing them and keeping something so beautiful outside of it's boundaries...and so I started to pound...started to push....started to tear at the mortar grain by grain as its sand got under my fingernails and made it bleed....I mended my sore fingers and used every hour of the night to dream of the next morning that with a sweet voice on the phone I would keep finding a way to remove another brick...to loosen the glue a little more....to push and kick until the walls no longer defined me......and I finally took a chance.

Where are my walls?....I need them again....for in the wake of the crumbling of my walls I have no hand to hold.......and alas, I have no walls to trap me, surround me, nor hide me when I cry. I search for bricks for hay for straw and mud...I long to build those walls again....the ones who hid me, the ones who kept me safe....and only one wall stands...my back is straight against it...and I dare not turn around lest the world take from me the only thing that's left to hold...............................................my last wall.

I will not tear it down....not for her, not for you.......not for anyone....because I now see that the walls that fell were dear to me....they kept me safe and sound.......they kept me sheltered from the fate.....that seems to have my number....and is all too content to call. Again, and again and again.....and in irony I rest my back on my one and only wall....and dream of all I could do....do I run away.....and leave my wall right here with all the rest? or stay right here...back to the wall petrified to move.....