Changes.

You know?, I'm into my fourth decade of life on this wonderful ball of mud we call  home...I've noticed that we live in a series of cycles...I could tell you from personal experience how every 5 to 7 years things blossom, bloom, and die...and on the 8......new beginnings....heck...it's Biblical....

You can pretty much see how every generation in the rock and roll era defined it's own musical identity every 10 or so years....but really it's not 10...it takes a year or so for something to catch on...and on the other end of the decade it takes about a year or so for something to get so annoying, overdone and baseless and yes a year to flush it all away and make room for something else....

Take the 80s for example....pop rock got so ridiculous that it had no choice but to die away and get re-incarnated (for better or worse) with everything the former was not....out of tune, basic, under produced, and raw....the antithesis of everything 80s rock was....

for example.....by 92 this was dying...(for obvious reasons)






and it was being replaced by this....




"Stupid and contagious" as the song says.....well it was contagious and music once again redefined itself for the next decade and so forth and so forth....

I used to think that the rock and roll of my high school years was invincible and would never die...."pop-metal will never die" I used to say.....and to a certain degree it never does...because it lives in the hearts and ipods of millions of overgrown juveniles like me....but I digress....

The reality is....NOTHING is safe from change....in fact....change is one of the only earthly things that are a sure bet....there is nothing new under the sun and nothing man-made will last forever....change is just a part of life.

I HATED Nirvana and grunge......with a passion....so much so that I practically boycotted the 90s.....my attitude was "I refuse to give up all my time of practicing scales and arpeggios to go and purposely play out of tune and sloppy...." so I became a fan of country music because they still gave a rip about making skilled music....

During these years Nashville was booming....Reba, Garth, Diamond Rio, Vince Gil....they were happening!!! and I was right in the middle of it.....I made the quintessential move with 2 suit cases and 2 guitars to Nashville to "make it".

In all reality and looking back.....grunge wasn't only inevitable....it was NECESSARY....and if I could relive history and know what I know now, I'd probably embrace those changing times....change is unavoidable....necessary....BUT... sometimes (often) hard as nails.

If I have an Achilles heel in my character it would be... being sentimental....I am prone to remembering details about good and happy times, down to the scents, the feeling of butterflies in my stomach, sunshine on my skin and everything that makes me savor a happy and unforgettable moment.  I often find myself thinking about the people that move in and out of my life....the ones that somehow affected and helped shape my life or character, and then just disappeared into their destinies.....and man, how much it means to me every now and then when an old friend tracks me down.....just to say...."man I was thinking of you and just HAD to see how you're doing......

I don't like it when change is brought about by losing the people I love....this last year I lost a friend and mentor....a brother whom I admired and respected and shared SO much life with....meaningful people have come and gone....some by life some by choice......change....it comes in all sizes and flavors.

It's so easy to go down pity party road.....I have been the worst at this....and with the exception of a few close friends who REALLY know me.... I can have a pity party without anyone knowing it and with a smile on my face........even if I'm bleeding to death on the inside...all in the name of not losing my dignity...

Psalm 103:2 says... "Praise the LORD, my soul, and 

forget not all his benefits--" .... 

I now believe with all of my heart that change is easier to cope 

with and it's easier to deal with when we remember the things that God's brought us through and how He never fails (in spite of how often we fail Him.)

For reasons that are pointless to bring up...this has been a tough year for me....in some ways one of the toughest ever.....I found myself in the old familiar place of the knot in the pit of my stomach and blurred vision about the future.......it seems like I've constantly had a choice to make.....go down pity party row again and some more....or see it for what it is.....another change in my life.....Sure enough.!!...it's been 7-8 years since the last major, catastrophic and painful change in my life.....and here, all of a sudden, here I am looking at the future....

7 years ago I quite literally felt like I would not make it....God's love and my children literally saved me from self destruction and I learned so much....or so I thought....until I found myself again questioning God in the same pathetic and faithless ways....I found myself blaming God for problems that I got myself into and that He warned me about.... me....me... me....selfish and at the same time the very  cause for all of my troubles. 

Sometimes when I get overwhelmed, in the evening after business hours I sneak into the chapel where I work  and I'll sit at the piano and just play......I grew up Baptist as a child and somewhere filed in the back of my mind are a hundred old hymns that somehow I remember word for word........ I've always found comfort, when there's none to be found, in just going back to the basics of my spiritual make-up and rebooting....old hymns do that for me....they comfort me.........a couple of weeks ago it was Friday night and I wanted something that I could not have.....home was the last place I wanted to be......and I started thinking of some very silly choices of what I could do with a perfectly good Friday night because I could not get my way.......thankfully I ended up in front my keyboard and somehow found myself quietly playing in the dark..... "Count your blessings, name them one by one....count your blessings, see what God has done....count your blessings, name them one by one....and it will surprise you what the Lord hath done...."

Man those words sunk into me...like a rock in a lake....I was humbled and embarrassed at the same time.... 7 years ago it felt like my life was destined to suck forever.....and yet God got me through.....7 years ago I was terrified that my children would grow to be troubled and dysfunctional people....and they're not...they're happy and creative and mischievous and funny and loving........7 years ago I thought that I would suck as a single father and that I was too ignorant to raise them on  my own.........we're doing just fine....and in ALL of that I see nothing but God's hand and grace....God gave me another chance to get behind my guitar and play more over the last 4 years than ALL of my other 27 years playing guitar combined!!.....to live my dreams....to have the most amazing musical community that I have ever had....to have the best friends that any person could ever dream of having......to live out dreams that I never thought I would.....

and yet I was thinking some very ridiculous things because I could not get my way in one little area of my life.......

I wonder what God thinks about such non-sense....."How can you possibly be falling apart at the end of another 7 year cycle!!?? have I not proven to you that I'm bigger than any of that??? have I not proven that I will forgive you and carry your sorry butt every time YOU screw things up??.....what's it gonna take"???

I was ashamed.....I started counting my blessings......... health, career, friends, healthy happy kids, a car that's been making a horrible knocking sound for 3 months and is still running......etc etc etc.....SO MUCH!! and in counting  my blessings I found that I had absolutely no moral leg to stand on to throw any more pity parties.......

I'd like to tell you that I learned my lesson that night......I did......ask me if it has changed my life and now i'm living from victory to victory.........no.  I have my moments....the ups and downs that we all do.....but I HAVE a new sense of excitement about tomorrow....about the possibilities that come with every sunrise.....about the grace that will find me every morning......and about the life that I get to live with the people who love me......so many of them....another blessing to count.

and so the cycle starts again.....and the challenges now for me....are to continue to count my blessings and be thankful....and to make choices that make the next cycle not a new start but a continuation of all the great things that my Father has done for me and in me......no more new beginnings....I'm not "starting" anything over again...I'm going to ride the momentum of the life that God has given me...the pretty and the ugly....and keep swinging for the fences because I believe this will make God proud. Day by Day, minute by minute, challenge by challenge.

but then again, I'm just a guitar player.....what do I know?...............Jesus love me......this I know.