December 30, 2014,
I went through some blog drafts earlier tonight...this entry was originally written in the spring of 2010...I didn't publish it and my guess would be that it was way too transparent and even vulnerable, I feel that at the time people would have known what it was about and it would not have been good nor flattering to post....in hindsight it seems silly now, though I can't help but be intrigued at the amount of passion that I had for what I was going through....in any case, I'm glad to say I'm not there emotionally any more and I can see it objectively now for what it is..... some pretty creative writing (if I do say so myself) much love!
May 17, 2010
Walls...they keep us safe...they separate us...they keep the roof over our heads...they hide us...they enable us to reveal...they cut off....they partition, they isolate....they liberate.
For every season of my life there has been a prescience of a wall and it served the purpose of the day...in the wintery and windy nights they kept me separated from the cold...in the hot summer I slept in the shade under the wind of the blades of a fan...and then the storms came and wreaked havoc...and the walls were there again like brick chameleons...each day looking different, each day serving a different purpose...one day they gave me the solitude that my heart and soul longed for as if somehow to need it to lick my wounds and to heal...but in other days my walls were a prison...they kept the world out when I desperately needed the world....anyone....someone.....to reach out to me....
One day I realized at the most inopportune time that the walls that I had created were about to cost me dearly...for I found myself entertaining reinforcing them and keeping something so beautiful outside of it's boundaries...and so I started to pound...started to push....started to tear at the mortar grain by grain as its sand got under my fingernails and made it bleed....I mended my sore fingers and used every hour of the night to dream of the next morning that with a sweet voice on the phone I would keep finding a way to remove another brick...to loosen the glue a little more....to push and kick until the walls no longer defined me......and I finally took a chance.
Where are my walls?....I need them again....for in the wake of the crumbling of my walls I have no hand to hold.......and alas, I have no walls to trap me, surround me, nor hide me when I cry. I search for bricks for hay for straw and mud...I long to build those walls again....the ones who hid me, the ones who kept me safe....and only one wall stands...my back is straight against it...and I dare not turn around lest the world take from me the only thing that's left to hold...............................................my last wall.
I will not tear it down....not for her, not for you.......not for anyone....because I now see that the walls that fell were dear to me....they kept me safe and sound.......they kept me sheltered from the fate.....that seems to have my number....and is all too content to call. Again, and again and again.....and in irony I rest my back on my one and only wall....and dream of all I could do....do I run away.....and leave my wall right here with all the rest? or stay right here...back to the wall petrified to move.....
Monday, December 29, 2014
My thoughts on 2014 and an early look at 2015
At about the time that 2013 was coming to an end I felt an uneasiness about several things in my life...I felt an unhealthy type of complacency about all of it....I am blessed with a job that I absolutely love, alongside people that I absolutely love and doing something that I absolutely believe in. Yet I felt complacent. I play guitar in arguably one of the best music communities in the country....I am playing out more I ever have in my entire life combined.....and yet I still felt complacent...these days the months seem to be flying by like seconds and consequently the years also....it's those one of those moments when you look up and realize that what you're feeling, if kept unchecked, could become a mid-life crisis. Since my life fell apart in my 30s, the last decade has been all about rebuilding it, therefore thankfully no midlife crisis for me...so what was it then? what was my sense of unrest-fulness/discontent?
Through a series of rather mundane events it became evident to me that God was speaking to me about making 2014 a year of taking chances....hmmm...taking chances, taking chances......what in the world did that mean?
I wasn't sure but I was ready to find out...I thought maybe it was relationally speaking, as in... pursuing certain romantic interests...so I tried... things that looked promising didn't work out... some ...because I struck out, some because I lost interest and sabotaged them...point being....it wasn't about romance...and somehow I'd known all along that this was bigger than romance....much bigger.
So what was it then?... it took a soul-searching trip and some long conversation with some dear friends to realize that I had lost track and sight of what I had set out to do when I left home 20 years ago and I had also lost track of who I was created to be in the first place...
Sure sure, I'm a father first and foremost, no denying that and no flippantly brushing it off..... but as I've said so many times about other aspects of my life...I'm a much better father when I am a balanced individual...when I am the best me that I can be I am a much better everything...and my kids know this about me.
In the TV industry and among fellow producers there is a common consensus that success as a producer is not only found in the knowledge and awareness of the things that we're good at...but rather the things that we're not good at.....I'm not a guitar player, I'm not a singer....I am a songwriter who also plays guitar, I am a songwriter who also tries to sing...the guitar player thing I do ok....the singer thing I sometimes do ok and not very often..... my friends who know me....who truly truly know me....the ones that I can bare my soul to and be completely transparent and vulnerable with will attest that being a writer goes right in tandem with every aspect of my personality.....to a fault.
Even in this, my strongest attribute...I have to find balance from time to time...because if I don't find balance those very traits betray me, overtake me, and they become hindrances....
So with this in mind I decided to jump back in the waters of songwriting as a priority at the beginning of 2014...I went back to my original music destination where I'd ventured out to 20 years before....I met with several successful writers in all genres...friends who have tasted the glory of a songwriter's dream...country writers, rock and roll writers, gospel and jazz....I swallowed my pride and took the approach that I really don't know much of anything and decided to start all over with a fresh approach and a fresh heart and eyes.
The first step was to be intentional about my songwriting, and of course that began with writing infinitely more than I had been in 2013. In 2013 I probably wrote 10 songs...I was determined to double that in 2014, not only did I do that but I actually quadrupled it.
A friend of mine took a chance on me and got me an "in" with a songwriter showcase that ,next to playing The Bluebird in Nashville, is the second longest running writer's showcase in town...when you get booked for this showcase it happens months in advance, which was a good thing for me seeing as how I live in Charlotte after all....it quickly became my motto to never repeat songs when I play there....always show up with fresh material......this year I played 3 times there and each time it was a worthy worthy experience......I digress....this friend who got me booked there also had quite possibly the most important conversation that I needed to have this year....
She was brutally honest about my writing....specifically as it pertains to writing for country... the little things...you know...."Cowboys don't reference drinking wine unless it's with a woman, otherwise its hard liquor or beer".....or....."too poetic Rudy...no metaphors...say what you mean mean what you say"....I was kind of offended at first after all....it's not like I've never written a song, "I'll have you know that this year I've had 3 or 4 co-writing credits recorded for indy releases!! I'll have you know I co-wrote half of Nichole Broome's record with her... I'll have you know that..."..but then I thought about it and stepped on the throat of my pride that day....she went on to give me priceless advice about how Nashville has changed, how the rat race has changed, she told me about how the most important tool of an aspiring songwriter in Nashville is a knife or scissors, to know how to and be happy to cut the proverbial publishing pie....she confirmed some things that I already suspected like how much more of an insider crowd the songwriter circles have become and how it takes an act of God to have your music listened to ....(and by the way, your demos? they have to sound almost like albums)......
As all of these words were falling on my ears a horrible thought crossed my mind..."Why?........why am I doing this??....why bother...? it's bad enough to try to pursue this for those who live in Nashville every day of their lives....what makes me think that I'm going to have any kind of success at this, living in Charlotte and making the occasional/quarterly trip to Nashville?...." Suddenly I felt silly, irresponsible both fiscally and as a parent...."Grow up already!! did we not do this 20 years ago and it went nowhere Rudy??.....did we not get this out of our system yet?...this is a young man's game....grow up already!!!"............it was in the middle of all of this that I found my clarity.....in a moment I found my answer, my directive, my marching orders for the next phase of my music career.....I almost audibly but yet in a small still voice heard God tell me......."...you worry about your due diligence because nothing beyond that is in your control but mine......you might NEVER get a song cut or even listened to...but you know what you CAN make happen? you know what IS in your hands??.....................the journey""
It was as if in an instant the lights came on, the fog lifted.....All of a sudden it made sense...
God wants me on the hunt....pursuing, working, learning, growing.......all of a sudden there was a huge shiny door knob in the dark room of complacency.
And just like that I was back in the rat race.....except that unlike before, I didn't have the pressure of HAVING to make it as a songwriter, I have the backing and support of 20 years of industry contacts and a full-time career in the television industry....what it DID mean was less sleep..... a LOT less sleep....using my expendable time for more constructive purposes....the balancing act never ends, I have 3 kids in high school, they need my time, my support, my guidance, and yet I feel stronger than ever that God wants me to balance even more,be a better dad, be a better TV producer, sleep even less, work even harder as a songwriter and pursue it even harder, become a better guitar player and yes....even a better singer....if you see any room in there for complacency please let me know so I can fill that time with something else.
After that meeting, I started to take chances....I took a chance and reached out to some of my favorite writers...the ones that I've looked up to all of my adult life...you know? its a amazing, in this age of Facebook where with a little bit of luck you can make it through the cracks in the windows of life right into the laptop of your idols....and no I don't mean hacking....I mean reaching out and saying... "Hi i've always been a fan of your work, I'm not a psycho fan but a student of your craft and your work, can I have 10 minutes of your time?".....you would be surprised....sometimes taking a chance births relationships and dare I say, friendships.....even with the people that seem "unreachable" and unattainable.
My poor daughter is the guinea pig of my songs...I always serenade her with them and she is brutally honest about their pop appeal as only a 13 year old girl can be. In the summer I played a song in Nashville, a song I had written and played for her a couple of months earlier, and once I was back in the hotel that evening I called her to say goodnight and told her about having played that song....she said to me with the innocence and optimism of a 13 year old girl...."Does someone want to record it now?"...I had to explain to her that this road to success will be a long one, full of up and downs, with trips that will seem like nothing was accomplished....but that in the end that's what the journey is about....
Taking chances in 2014 rekindled some sweet friendships that had been dormant for so many years....pointlessly...I realized that there had been people in my life waiting for me to notice that they were still there...waiting to advice me, point me in the right direction, blah blah blah.....most importantly.....to love me and be my friend. Oddly enough, my friends that have the most capability to "be a good connection" are the avenues that I least care to explore....because they are the friendships that matter most....and in this industry those types of friendships can easily be destroyed by business.
This year I saw that first-hand....I was on the receiving end of someone who tried to use me as a stepping stone in their career and what had for 5 minutes looked like a rather attractive relationship all of a sudden was a major turn-off and let down and oh-so-unattractive.
I NEVER want to be that. Friends are friends, not stepping stones.
So as 2015 starts what are my eyes set on......? first and foremost...to keep writing, improving, growing....
2. being intentional about my writing and realizing 2 things...when I'm writing for commercial purposes, to do so with that in mind. Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood don't really care very much about what I 'Have to say'.....they want a song that sells lots of downloads!!
In the instances when I write for myself or because I have "something to say", to do so with that in mind and not confuse the 2......SOMETIMES and I mean SOME TIMES VERY VERY FEW TIMES, you can accomplish this both successfully with mass appeal and message integrity.....but not often.
3. Demo, Demo, Demo....record my best material and have it ready at a moment's notice to put a link or an MP3 in someone's inbox when the opportunity arises.
4. This is a huge one.... making wise investments... to love others is a commandment to be followed without pre-requisites, it's not a suggestion, it's a mandate from Jesus Himself...however...knowing how much of yourself to invest into others is discretionary and historically I've been a terrible investor at times. Our time is a resource with a serious cap on it...every second that is wasted it is literally time we have KILLED...we will never get it back....money you can replace, and to quote The Beatles, "I don't care too much for money...money can't buy me love'.....more money can be made..... but time? ...how am I investing that resource?....is there an ROI on that investment? don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being a friend who is always looking for something in return, notwithstanding, relationships are a 2 way street and historically there are too many instances in my life where I have overly invested myself in people who come looking for me when they need something and nothing else....or in ambitions and initiatives that are just dead on the ground and truthfully reek of decay...time to let them go and let them go for good.....meanwhile there have been scores of people constantly going out of their way to invest themselves in me.....and I've under-appreciated their investment.......I will do better. I will do better...I will.....DO better! In God's name I will do better... You can't be someone's press box, when you are their cheap seats...it's not fair...it's just dumb.
We live we grow, we learn we go....and here I am,,, a year later and what do I have to show for 2014? OH SO MUCH.... so many seeds planted, so many relationships rekindled, so many memories and it's only the beginning.... I keep reminding myself to never quit looking around as I pursue....because this is where LIVING is HAPPENING....and it's always such a thrill and a rush to know that the best moment of my life could be waiting right around the next corner...I'm locking and loading........(and writing about it).....c'mon 2015, I'm ready for ya.
Through a series of rather mundane events it became evident to me that God was speaking to me about making 2014 a year of taking chances....hmmm...taking chances, taking chances......what in the world did that mean?
I wasn't sure but I was ready to find out...I thought maybe it was relationally speaking, as in... pursuing certain romantic interests...so I tried... things that looked promising didn't work out... some ...because I struck out, some because I lost interest and sabotaged them...point being....it wasn't about romance...and somehow I'd known all along that this was bigger than romance....much bigger.
So what was it then?... it took a soul-searching trip and some long conversation with some dear friends to realize that I had lost track and sight of what I had set out to do when I left home 20 years ago and I had also lost track of who I was created to be in the first place...
Sure sure, I'm a father first and foremost, no denying that and no flippantly brushing it off..... but as I've said so many times about other aspects of my life...I'm a much better father when I am a balanced individual...when I am the best me that I can be I am a much better everything...and my kids know this about me.
In the TV industry and among fellow producers there is a common consensus that success as a producer is not only found in the knowledge and awareness of the things that we're good at...but rather the things that we're not good at.....I'm not a guitar player, I'm not a singer....I am a songwriter who also plays guitar, I am a songwriter who also tries to sing...the guitar player thing I do ok....the singer thing I sometimes do ok and not very often..... my friends who know me....who truly truly know me....the ones that I can bare my soul to and be completely transparent and vulnerable with will attest that being a writer goes right in tandem with every aspect of my personality.....to a fault.
Even in this, my strongest attribute...I have to find balance from time to time...because if I don't find balance those very traits betray me, overtake me, and they become hindrances....
So with this in mind I decided to jump back in the waters of songwriting as a priority at the beginning of 2014...I went back to my original music destination where I'd ventured out to 20 years before....I met with several successful writers in all genres...friends who have tasted the glory of a songwriter's dream...country writers, rock and roll writers, gospel and jazz....I swallowed my pride and took the approach that I really don't know much of anything and decided to start all over with a fresh approach and a fresh heart and eyes.
The first step was to be intentional about my songwriting, and of course that began with writing infinitely more than I had been in 2013. In 2013 I probably wrote 10 songs...I was determined to double that in 2014, not only did I do that but I actually quadrupled it.
A friend of mine took a chance on me and got me an "in" with a songwriter showcase that ,next to playing The Bluebird in Nashville, is the second longest running writer's showcase in town...when you get booked for this showcase it happens months in advance, which was a good thing for me seeing as how I live in Charlotte after all....it quickly became my motto to never repeat songs when I play there....always show up with fresh material......this year I played 3 times there and each time it was a worthy worthy experience......I digress....this friend who got me booked there also had quite possibly the most important conversation that I needed to have this year....
She was brutally honest about my writing....specifically as it pertains to writing for country... the little things...you know...."Cowboys don't reference drinking wine unless it's with a woman, otherwise its hard liquor or beer".....or....."too poetic Rudy...no metaphors...say what you mean mean what you say"....I was kind of offended at first after all....it's not like I've never written a song, "I'll have you know that this year I've had 3 or 4 co-writing credits recorded for indy releases!! I'll have you know I co-wrote half of Nichole Broome's record with her... I'll have you know that..."..but then I thought about it and stepped on the throat of my pride that day....she went on to give me priceless advice about how Nashville has changed, how the rat race has changed, she told me about how the most important tool of an aspiring songwriter in Nashville is a knife or scissors, to know how to and be happy to cut the proverbial publishing pie....she confirmed some things that I already suspected like how much more of an insider crowd the songwriter circles have become and how it takes an act of God to have your music listened to ....(and by the way, your demos? they have to sound almost like albums)......
As all of these words were falling on my ears a horrible thought crossed my mind..."Why?........why am I doing this??....why bother...? it's bad enough to try to pursue this for those who live in Nashville every day of their lives....what makes me think that I'm going to have any kind of success at this, living in Charlotte and making the occasional/quarterly trip to Nashville?...." Suddenly I felt silly, irresponsible both fiscally and as a parent...."Grow up already!! did we not do this 20 years ago and it went nowhere Rudy??.....did we not get this out of our system yet?...this is a young man's game....grow up already!!!"............it was in the middle of all of this that I found my clarity.....in a moment I found my answer, my directive, my marching orders for the next phase of my music career.....I almost audibly but yet in a small still voice heard God tell me......."...you worry about your due diligence because nothing beyond that is in your control but mine......you might NEVER get a song cut or even listened to...but you know what you CAN make happen? you know what IS in your hands??.....................the journey""
It was as if in an instant the lights came on, the fog lifted.....All of a sudden it made sense...
God wants me on the hunt....pursuing, working, learning, growing.......all of a sudden there was a huge shiny door knob in the dark room of complacency.
And just like that I was back in the rat race.....except that unlike before, I didn't have the pressure of HAVING to make it as a songwriter, I have the backing and support of 20 years of industry contacts and a full-time career in the television industry....what it DID mean was less sleep..... a LOT less sleep....using my expendable time for more constructive purposes....the balancing act never ends, I have 3 kids in high school, they need my time, my support, my guidance, and yet I feel stronger than ever that God wants me to balance even more,be a better dad, be a better TV producer, sleep even less, work even harder as a songwriter and pursue it even harder, become a better guitar player and yes....even a better singer....if you see any room in there for complacency please let me know so I can fill that time with something else.
After that meeting, I started to take chances....I took a chance and reached out to some of my favorite writers...the ones that I've looked up to all of my adult life...you know? its a amazing, in this age of Facebook where with a little bit of luck you can make it through the cracks in the windows of life right into the laptop of your idols....and no I don't mean hacking....I mean reaching out and saying... "Hi i've always been a fan of your work, I'm not a psycho fan but a student of your craft and your work, can I have 10 minutes of your time?".....you would be surprised....sometimes taking a chance births relationships and dare I say, friendships.....even with the people that seem "unreachable" and unattainable.
My poor daughter is the guinea pig of my songs...I always serenade her with them and she is brutally honest about their pop appeal as only a 13 year old girl can be. In the summer I played a song in Nashville, a song I had written and played for her a couple of months earlier, and once I was back in the hotel that evening I called her to say goodnight and told her about having played that song....she said to me with the innocence and optimism of a 13 year old girl...."Does someone want to record it now?"...I had to explain to her that this road to success will be a long one, full of up and downs, with trips that will seem like nothing was accomplished....but that in the end that's what the journey is about....
Taking chances in 2014 rekindled some sweet friendships that had been dormant for so many years....pointlessly...I realized that there had been people in my life waiting for me to notice that they were still there...waiting to advice me, point me in the right direction, blah blah blah.....most importantly.....to love me and be my friend. Oddly enough, my friends that have the most capability to "be a good connection" are the avenues that I least care to explore....because they are the friendships that matter most....and in this industry those types of friendships can easily be destroyed by business.
This year I saw that first-hand....I was on the receiving end of someone who tried to use me as a stepping stone in their career and what had for 5 minutes looked like a rather attractive relationship all of a sudden was a major turn-off and let down and oh-so-unattractive.
I NEVER want to be that. Friends are friends, not stepping stones.
So as 2015 starts what are my eyes set on......? first and foremost...to keep writing, improving, growing....
2. being intentional about my writing and realizing 2 things...when I'm writing for commercial purposes, to do so with that in mind. Taylor Swift and Carrie Underwood don't really care very much about what I 'Have to say'.....they want a song that sells lots of downloads!!
In the instances when I write for myself or because I have "something to say", to do so with that in mind and not confuse the 2......SOMETIMES and I mean SOME TIMES VERY VERY FEW TIMES, you can accomplish this both successfully with mass appeal and message integrity.....but not often.
3. Demo, Demo, Demo....record my best material and have it ready at a moment's notice to put a link or an MP3 in someone's inbox when the opportunity arises.
4. This is a huge one.... making wise investments... to love others is a commandment to be followed without pre-requisites, it's not a suggestion, it's a mandate from Jesus Himself...however...knowing how much of yourself to invest into others is discretionary and historically I've been a terrible investor at times. Our time is a resource with a serious cap on it...every second that is wasted it is literally time we have KILLED...we will never get it back....money you can replace, and to quote The Beatles, "I don't care too much for money...money can't buy me love'.....more money can be made..... but time? ...how am I investing that resource?....is there an ROI on that investment? don't get me wrong, I'm not advocating being a friend who is always looking for something in return, notwithstanding, relationships are a 2 way street and historically there are too many instances in my life where I have overly invested myself in people who come looking for me when they need something and nothing else....or in ambitions and initiatives that are just dead on the ground and truthfully reek of decay...time to let them go and let them go for good.....meanwhile there have been scores of people constantly going out of their way to invest themselves in me.....and I've under-appreciated their investment.......I will do better. I will do better...I will.....DO better! In God's name I will do better... You can't be someone's press box, when you are their cheap seats...it's not fair...it's just dumb.
We live we grow, we learn we go....and here I am,,, a year later and what do I have to show for 2014? OH SO MUCH.... so many seeds planted, so many relationships rekindled, so many memories and it's only the beginning.... I keep reminding myself to never quit looking around as I pursue....because this is where LIVING is HAPPENING....and it's always such a thrill and a rush to know that the best moment of my life could be waiting right around the next corner...I'm locking and loading........(and writing about it).....c'mon 2015, I'm ready for ya.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)