Forever...

What is it about the concept of forever that can either terrify one person and yet absolutely enamour another one? I guess to someone who's afraid of commitment, forever can seem like just entirely too long to endure something that he/she might find appealing now but may change his/her mind in a few, days, months, or years from now....

Of course, to the one that is immersed in that "in love" feeling, forever just seems like.....well,,, not enough time....

A couple of years ago, I wrote a blog about how the sanctity and the commitment of relationships is dead now-a-days, how people are ready to jump ship when the going gets tough....and while I still very much feel that society in general has become too quick to jump into marriages for reasons ranging from financial ones to just plain lust....my mind has softened up a little bit in the wake of close people to me who have decided to "walk away" from their marriages....

For the demographic that I belong to this is a rather touchy subject, because by the teaching of the Bible which (regardless of age) we still hold to be the inspired word of God...divorce is just plain wrong unless there has been infidelity in the equation.....

Please don't throw Evangelical stones at me just yet....hear me out... of course I still believe this, however, there is a side of me that sees how many people IN the Evangelical world are abusing this and taking on the attitude of....."well this is just who I am and you have to deal with it because we Evangelicals don't do divorces....." WRONG!!!

I am not saying that my outlook is remotely Biblical, but there are many levels of infidelity, and especially in the instances where there is abuse......LEAVE GIRL!!! GET OUT! The vows say, "what God has joined let no man separate...." sometimes I think you have to ask "did God really join us? or did we insist on joining ourselves to each other....?" again, just playing devil's advocate....

Today a good friend of mine informed me that she had pretty much made up her mind that her marriage was over and there was no fixing it...I was actually bummed because both her and her husband are good friends of mine and have at different times been there for me and been very kind....

I realize that there are always 2 sides to every story, and as much as I avoid going into the details of my divorce, I know that some of my friends, especially the ones who were there for me, know some details....but my point is......there are definitely two sides......I have done a lot of soul searching in the endless drives alone, the airplane rides, the 10pm Atlanta commuter to Charlotte on Air Tran, and on long Airport Layovers.....there were definitely 2 sides.

I'd like to think that I learned some serious lessons about life from the demise of my marriage.....my ex-wife and I have actually buried the hatchet nicely, she is in a relationship in which I see her happy....and it 100% honestly, warms me up and makes me happy to see her happy....she is actually my friend, and if anyone has ever heard me say something negative about her, please know that passion and anger tend to overrun the mouth some times.....if you've ever heard me say a bad thing about her,,,,,,I apologize here and now........that's not the man I am.

My soul searcing showed me in how many ways I failed my ex-wife and my kids, I can't change the past, but I can count my blessings and meet the future head on.

I look at my children and their excitement as I walk through that door, and I think to myself, that maybe this is what forever looks like...a love that while still fallibly human, stands the best chance of them all to be forever when it is being given unconditionally....

My biggest challenge in accepting the demise of my marriage wasn't even all the things that go with a divorce, not even seeing my kids suffer.....(that was plenty bad!).......the biggest heartache that I suffered in my divorce was the death of my attachment to my principles. Please read that last line carefully, my attachment to my principles.....am I a man of principles???? no way....I wish I was, my father is, my mother is......me? no way....I'm a complete failure in that department, but I am still attached to them.....let me explain.

A man of principles wakes up at 5 am to spend an hour in prayer every day of his life specifically for God' blessing and protection over his marriage and family.....that...... is a man of principle....

A man attached to his principles falls to pieces when he realizes that forever the way he envisioned it just isn't going to happen now.....when he realizes that he and his children will now and without a say-so become a statistic.....I so wish I was the other and not this one....

So what's the problem with forever? and how can we fix it? how do we keep the wolf at bay in marriages? how do we prevent ourselves from getting into situations that we'll lose our passion for in a few years, even months? how? what do we do so that children never have to witness a parent pack his/her bags.

Is it just plain old fashioned expectations to believe in forever? I mean, it seems that the same Hollywood that preaches pacifism and sells the mantra of "love and not war", and makes a gigantinourmous amount of revenue each year off of violent movies.......is determined to sell us on the concept of happily ever after, Serendipity, The Notebook, Pretty Woman, Titanic.....all of these sappy chick flicks (that YES I"VE WATCHED AT GUNPOINT!) want to make the viewer believe or at very least long for or mourn the absence of a Forever.

I've come a long way as a person over the last few years, and while at one point you could not convince me that I would ever have a remote interest again in forever....now I know that this is not true, and the more time that passes the more the walls go down.....normal I guess.....however, I'm more cynical, careful, cautious......forever will come and go, and I will be there....maybe alone, maybe not who knows? I'm ok with either one.....all I ask is to meet forever witht the same peace that I'm feeling tonight......

The full moon is shining over my backyard here in my home in Charlotte, and in a room next to me, my 3 kids are sound asleep.....at one time I swore to never bring them here again, but they never cease to amaze me with their resilliency and strength.....they came here after 3 years, walked in, cautiously, explored, found their old toys, and warmed up to this old house full of memories.....full of forevers that never quite happened....yet they rose to the challenge and made me believe that there's still one forever in my life worth betting on.....their love for me and mine for them.

After I tucked them into bed, I sorted through some of the junk mail that I almost never read........and one envelope caught my eye.....it was from a tourism agency announcing their new tour packages through the middle east and Greece.....it was addressed to

Rudy and Alicha Landa

3 years ago, I would have been sad and sentimental to see that....but tonight something else came to my mind....the tourism agency had no idea......no one told them of my divorce.....and as much as it's all over....they were still believing for me out of sheer and blissful ignorance....I guess maybe not knowing what forever will bring is the blissful ignorance that we need to go on believing day after day that happiness and fulfillment are right around the corner, even if we think that way until 5 minutes to roll-call.

Kiss - Forever