The Catalyst

The online dictionary defines the word Catalyst as "an agent that provokes or speeds significant change or action"

Have you ever felt so bound to a condition that it absolutely consumed your very soul? usually those who fall prey to such conditions are not "living life abundantly"...we call them addicts....be it to chemical substances, to gambling, to pornography, to sex, to spending moneys they don't have to spend.......such people are usally the ones we imagine as being out of control and even with one foot in the grave...we imagine them in dingy places, in dirty conditions, hair unkept, 5 oclock shadow,  dried up... but oddly enough....it's so easy to find ourselves just as out of control as the guy who just spent his last $5 on a dog race in Ft. Lauderdale....because the abuse is not necessarily about poor character............the abuse is about dependency.

While it's true that many addictions and dependencies start in one way or another due to poor or weak character in someone (sometimes in the character of the ones doing the abusing or their parents) sometimes the dependency or addiction happens strictly in the midst and as a result of circumstance and out of the desire to fill a void...those with addictions and dependencies dont always walk through life outwardly looking like derelycts ....they OFTEN look like...................................................me.

Outwardly very much in control of everything that life throws my way........outwardly, living the dream of being a working proffesional and playing as much guitar as I could possibly want....being an in-demand musician around town....enjoying the benefits of God's blessings by having the absolute best kids that I could have ever dreamed of having........kids that love me and love each other.....that are thoughtful and polite.......not just by my description but by those that always tell me how good they are................outwardly enjoying the love of my bosses and peers.....enjoying for the first time in my life not being on the "outs" with just about anyone..............life is too short......(i say "just about" because you can't always help the way that others feel about you).......most importantly being in a phase of my life where the love of my saviour Jesus Christ has become more evident than ever in more ways that I have room to list in 1000 blogs...................AND YET..........here I was..................................dependent.

I wont say what I was dependent on..........rest assured........it wasnt a vice. It wasnt immoral. it wasnt chemical or alchohol...........................I dare to say you'd find it trivial ..........and yet it was consuming my life.......consuming my soul..........and as much as I prayed, pleaded, and tried to bargain with God......I'm guessing He was wanting for me to pull myself up by my bootstraps and be a big boy before I could be allowed to move on with my life from this issue.........I've always known, in theory, that God will not let us take more than we can bear......and today I evidently got to that limit.........I could not bear anymore..........why do I know this? because today God gave me a way out of my dependency.

Let me be clear.........I'm not saying that it's behind me and over......but God has given me the way out..........and now it's time to take Him up on the offer.  See? God is not this grand wizard that with his magic wand will take away what ails us, although He's more than capable of doing so.....but my Father is a practical God, wanting for me to grow not only spiritually but as a man........to learn to endure pain, loss, disappointment............................and become stronger...........well, today at 5:56 PM I became stronger.

There it was........right in front of me..............staring at me in the face.................... my catalyst   .....my agent of change........... I'd seen it before.....so many times................and yet it didnt look like the "agent of change" that I needed............it didnt look like my way out.................today God put a spotlight on it and with a knot in my stomach and one in my throat I surrendered...... today the discovery of my catalyst assured me that all is gonna be ok.

I'm sure I've raised your curiosity by now if you've bothered reading this far............well here's the dissappointing part.....I'm not going to let you in on my dependency........the point of this is not "what my dependency was".....the point of this is the lesson that I learned today................God is true to His word.........He will not let us take more than we can bear.......and the "catalyst" to get back on our feet IS in fact there........and it's up to us to find it by diggin into our faith and believing that God does in fact love us and DOES in fact care about us as His children.........He never leaves us nor forsakes us. He wants what's best for us.......HIS version of what's best for us.....sometimes our will gets in the way of seeing that He has SO much more for us if we'll dare ourselves to look slightly beyond our noses........if nothing else to see what He sees......................the unadulterated truth.  He IS truth........and ultimately, truth was my catalyst.

here it is some 5 hours later and not all is peaches and cream but I'm at peace and I'm more focused than I have been in a long long time in a time when there is SO much change going on around me......now comes the next step in the never ending process of growing.........going through with it........now I know my catalyst.....................now it's time to move on with change.  God be with me.

Have you ever had a catalyst? care to share?

LISTENING TO... Ready To Fly Richard Marx

So much to say.....

Sometimes a songwriter like me just can't win.  Notice that I said 'like me'....what makes me different than other songwriters? well, the nature of a songwriter is usually romantic, sentimental, passionate...and though I am guilty of most of such things, I am a hopeless "dude" as well...I love to watch boxing, spend lots of time digging up the best streetfights on Youtube, (Kimbo Slice anyone?) I am determined to get a motorcyle within this next year, and I'm pretty sure I'd die if college football was ever cancelled.  So as you can see there are some paradoxes in this songwriter's life.  A few years ago, my friend Glenn and I were laughing hysterically at how absolutely bored a certain songwriter was during a superbowl party because he just did not 'get' what was happening on the field...he kept saying things like...'it's so unnecessarily violent' or 'why do they have to try to run with the ball just always pass it' or 'Gawwd why are they stopping the clock again, no wonder this takes so long!'..............anyways, as funny as that is it underscores for me the intransient and philosophical differences between normal men and songwriters, ...dont get me wrong, some of my best musician buddies are the most rabid sports fans in the world BUT I simply want to underscore the fact that in order to be a songwriter.......a good songwriter.......your character traits have to be such that, be it outwardly or inwardly, you have to have a certain willinness to connect with your sentimental, romantic, vulnerable, and emotional potential...as much as I can’t stand whiny and weepy men, no man who is a songwriter can write a good song if he’s not in touch with his emotions, whether those emotions are love or anger…they’re still emotions.

My point to all of this......  I love to write....ironically enough, I hate to read......but I could write forever....I have so much to say....so so so much to say....and yet, that's not because i'm necessarily full of opinions nor (most importantly) answers nor solution.  I've started this blog and have chosen to name it "...but then Again.....What Do I Know?"......the reason for that is that I'm sick of seeing blogs by people who pontificate from their blogs as if to say, "I have a blog.... and having a blog is the equivalent of a ph.D in psychology, marital counceling, religion, home remedy medicine, politics, animal husbandry and baking."..........not me....I know very little.........but have so much to say, don't get me wrong....... i have many opinions on many things.....but my biggest desire in life has been to be understood, not on all things, just those that matter to me.........everynow and then in life I get my hopes up thinking I've come accross someone who does and then I'm wrong again and so I keep looking............I don't blame anyone for that other than me..............and so it is with this in mind that I just write....

One of my childhood memories that I'm most fond of was that of my 4th grade teacher who had me stare very very closely at how the paper would absorb the ink from my pen as I would write and she said, "like the ink sinks so effortlessly and intimately onto the paper, so do the thoughts of the writer into the mind of the reader.........and if you're a good writer maybe into their hearts"..........I never forgot this.....i think about this every time I've written a song........especially when I've written a song for a woman...........and so like most every other day, I will write.......though no one reads.........i will write.....though it makes no sense and my words sound like the ramblings of a fool........I will write......when the nights are late and the silence is deafening....I will just write...............................................................................lest my words in my head begin to rot like fruits never picked from the vine and decay my soul.

...but then again, what do I know? I'm just a writer.

I hope you'll stop by often and share your thoughts...

what I'm listening to