Just when I think I've got life all figured out, a new curve ball the size of a watermelon hits me between the eyes and I wake up 2 hours later with a headache and an epiphony...what if you finally realize that its not just a streak, all of you, all along your heart was simply stubborn...no! beyond stubborn?? and once a long time ago you fell in love...? what if the day came along when you were suppossed to let go, but you did not?...what if spring, winter, summers, and falls rolled by...many times...and your heart still held on?
What if you found love and were devoted, commited and respectful, but that memory was always on the fringe...like that alarm clock in the empty hotel room next to yours...it goes off and it is playing your favorite song at 5 am but there is no one in that room to shut if off...you love the song but right now is not the best time for it to go off...because as much as you'd love to indulge yourself in it...it just cannot be...but you pull that pillow really hard over your head so that some Saturday morning you can listen to it fondly without the flashback of the hotel room....what if love was like that?
What if your stubborn heart holds on year after year? what if you continue to dream of a time that might never come...? what if even in the most clear of realistic mindsets those thoughts keep you warm in the winter? ...what if they light your days when they are the darkest? what if they mend your heart when it's broken? what if????
And then the question....is it love or infatuation? why cant' I let this go..."God, if this is not of You, please take it away...I want only what You want for me and nothing less...but if this is not of You, I need for you to supernaturally take it from my heart...because I can't do it on my own...." but it never goes away...it stays there...and if you really believe in God, you must deduce that He IS answering your prayer...
So you hold on year after year, and you think of her, and you pray for her, and you make a million plans for a million days that will never come...and you write 100 songs, that she'll never hear, and wake up a hundred times to the same hundred disappointment of a hundred dreams that you were having...
But then one day the phone rings and the familiar voice on the other end of the line says things that validate every single day that you had these feelings and thought these thoughts and dreamed those dreams...for once in your life a fairy tale ending doesnt seem impossible and you have to pinch yourself to make sure that you're not dreaming AGAIN!...you just know it's gonna happen...you wait for that silly segue into lucidity but it never comes...no stranger comes up to you and for no apparent reason starts to say "wake up...wake up"...no this time the pinch hurts, and this time you REMAIN in a dreamlike state...with your eyes wide open...
You think of all the times that you thought of letting go...you thought of giving up, you thought of moving on...and you wonder why you didn't...her words fall on your heart like seeds on potting soil...you wonder why you held on...and then you know why you did...
destiny.
The only thing as stubborn as my heart.
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