My grandma had a long fight with dimentia, strokes, advanced diabetes and weak bones.....on the night she passed away in South America I sat at my kitchen table alone and drank a little more wine than I should have and found myself crying... I was happy for her arrival in heaven and back to my grandfather whom she missed so much...I wasnt sure what exactly I was crying over since I had not seen her in several years... maybe it was the memories that flooded me that night....memories of her younger days when she used to spoil me silly and lecture me about every silly thing I ever did from breakdancing to having long hair....it was Jan 21, 2009 and it was a weird time for me...a lot of change in the air, a lot of hurting and yet the anticipation of big things in the horizon.....but this night......it was all summed up in one word....
Pain.
This I do know, she always had a fear of death.....the thought never appealed to her, more so than the average person......I know, she lived with me for most of my teenage years........the story, however goes, that last night at some point, she opened her eyes from the hours and hours of sleep that she would be in over the last few weeks, and called my aunts and cousins to come close so her feeble words would make it to their ears....."Pray with me....." she said, ".......that the Lord would take me home".....so they did.......and He heard.
The last few years had pained her.....an amazing woman who in her life was so active, who raised 8 kids in the country, who rode horses into the jungles of 1930s South America into the "Gomales" alongside her husband, who once picked up a shotgun and held off a would-be-vandal at her door.....the woman who prided herself on her upbringing and education in manners and class......the last few years had reduced her to being bed-ridden and with one leg amputated as a result of diabetes. Pain. It was being sick of the pain, that finally helped to overcome the ultimate fear.........death.
I hadn't given this much thought until today......I had never really sat down to pick apart fiber by fiber and observe under a microscope what pain really is......sure we've all had it before....we recognize it, but yet we've become so resilient that often-times we just deal with it and carry it around like a rude host who receives a visitor and lets him in yet carries on with the laundry work without even chatting with him..........this is not a psychoanalysis on what pain really is....but it's making me think a bit.
Take a broken arm for instance......the natural reaction is to hold it in place and still so that it does not hurt......and in doing so, IF it's been set correctly, the result is healing.....if we ignore the pain and carry on, the arm will eventually heal, but not in a healthy manner, and the long term consequence? more pain.....except that this pain carries the possibility of affecting the health in a broader scale......pain is good.
Pain if given it's proper place, will make you analyze where you went wrong when you lost the things that made you happy, when you realize that the time you've lost you'll never get again......pain in realizing where you went wrong, will lead you to cry until you're literally out of tears, until your eyes swell, and until you realize that the only options left are to find the strength to heal or to die.......pain will take you there.
Pain will make you look at the world around, who much like the Israelites in the desert, cry, by the millions, for the golden calf to worship......who dance, and who desecrate the testimony of the One who one day not too long ago, led them out of bondage and into freedom..........pain, for the world we leave to our children.....
Pain, for those who find it easier to leave the camp, and to cast their lot with those who delight themselves in evil,...go ahead and go, who needs you?
........pain to see that our rights are not being taken ......but are being willfully volunteered for surrender......
Pain for the futility of being a single voice who finds more solace in keeping quiet because you just don't give a damn anymore, and because you're exhausted at the foolishness you witness around you....
It's there....pain, and tonight I just want to pick it apart and engulf myself in it to learn to overcome it, lest it become bitterness.......Rest In Peace abuelita....we'd all be so lucky to have our prayers answered like yours was.
Does it make sense at all
Look for the long lost pieces of your soul
Can you still hear them call
Youre in there somewhere but youre barely alive
And youre not asking why
How long until the rest of you fades from your eyes
What has your world become
Running through circles youve spun through the years
Did you keep souvenirs
How many prayers fell on deaf ears
Until you gathered your heart in tears
Youre out there somewhere but youre living a lie
Do you even know why
How long until the faces youre faking will die
What will your world become
Pages and Pages keep turning the pages
Youll learn to make sense to see is for what is
Turning pages and pages
Keep turning the pages
Youll find it somewhere in the darkest places
Write down the words you keep written on the wall
Does it make sense at all?
Relive the secret no matter how small
Feel yourself start to fall
Youre in there somewhere but youre barely alive
Will you ask yourself why
How long until the rest of you fades from your eyes
What has your world become
Pages and Pages keep turning the pages
Youll learn to make sense to see is for what is
Turning pages and pages
Keep turning the pages
Youll find it somewhere in the darkest places
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