THROW THE TAPES AWAY

I was insubordinate...I admit it....I stood there looking at a pile of over 200 tapes that had taken 3 years, hundreds of man hours, machine time, and effort to compile...I heard my boss say...."throw them away..."

... we had just lost our budget for this licensed footage....it was stock footage from the AP wire...hundreds of hours of it............in essence, we just could not afford the VERY expensive yearly subscription and therefore........those tapes were pretty much useless given that using the footage on them could get us as a company sued for a lot of money............"throw them away" ........that was the only legal and sensible thing to do...... (kudos to my company for following the letter of the law)...not only was it the sensible and legal thing to do....it was now a direct order from my boss.........................

"But what if we get the money to re license it some day?" was my question.........."we're not in the news business Rudy....we wont....throw the tapes away"....

I sighed...I pouted and I started to collect the tapes onto a large box....as I grabbed each box...I couldn't help but think, think, and overthink.....I was obsessed.....I started to wonder the little ramifications of what we were about to do....thinking about little things like.... how the tapes got here...the effort that had gone into compiling all of this........ what was the tape operator doing each day as he recorded each one of those tapes....was he stressed out to pull down the feed on time?? did he sit there and watch the footage and the news stories as they came down unedited? and not only that....how much money had we spent on that effort....?

With each tape that I picked up my convictions grew stronger....I finally went to my boss and said...
"I'm sorry, I just cant........wont.........do it........it literally hurts and I'm just so convicted about this, this is something good on our hands and we're about to just throw it away. What's in here can somehow be salvaged.....let's not jump the gun without counting the cost...we'll regret it someday if we can afford it again..."

At that moment my boss did what I was having a hard time doing...........he followed his instructions from HIS boss and said....
"I understand that you have a problem with this....dont worry about it......"

then he looked at my friend and said....."you do it....", and my friend did.


I've noticed that I have a hard time letting go any time that I feel that something in my life is either savable, salvageable or unfinished business... and it wasn't until recently (very recently) that I sat down and analyzed the "why" of this...

I sat there with my eyes closed and just meditated on it....and it dawned on me that what I feel in those situations............ is a sense of defeat........I really really really don't like to lose...

The Bible calls this "pride".......and its a sin......................then I started to further analyze my pride...

I looked at my life and how I've usually stayed around way too long in relationships after they were clearly over all along thinking that I was sticking around because I was "fighting for" something only to eventually come to the painful realization that maybe there wasn't anything to fight for at very least, and at very best, that I was fighting alone........otherwise someone would have been fighting alongside me.

but wait!!!.....this is NOT a relationship bashing post.....not at all......this is a painful realization that I have a hard time listening to the command of those above me those who say........"Throw the tapes away"..................or when it's God talking to me.............."Let go and move on".

This character flaw is no one's fault but mine and I alone suffer the consequence.....(emphasis on suffer.) My biggest mistakes often times, are just that I don't follow directions the very moment that I first hear them, without stopping to question them............and sadly then after many sleepless nights and heartache I realize that had I listened the first time I was talked to without questioning......... I would have saved myself a whole lot of aggravation.

but I don't..............I argue about what's "worth saving"...................throw the tapes away............we're not in the business of holding on to things that no longer serve a purpose..........we're in the business of following instructions when we claim to "trust in God"...................and I've been so bad about that.................in the time that I waste fighting against God and His will, I lose precious time in my lifetime, time that I will never get back, time that I could have spent serving Him....and doing what He asked me to do........................but no....I keep fighting to not throw the tapes away.

Sadly, my friend at work listened to my boss, he picked up the tapes and took them to get recycled.....a quiet shame fell on me to hear my boss say........."never mind............I'll have someone else do it..."

.......I wonder how many things God has had in store for my life every time He told me to move on from something that I was wasting my time on? ............and I didn't.

I wonder how many times he shook his head at His stubborn child and said............."never mind..........I'll have someone else do it..."

I don't know and probably never will, but I've made a habit of it since I was 19 years old...........pride is destructive....learning is long overdue.

Lord, I'm sorry, help me to roll up my sleeves and only focus on doing what You want me to do so I can serve you............please, please, please............................ redeem my time.